Our top 14 perform, and it’s a two hour show… for seven dances. Oh Lord, give me strength. You know it’s going to be an episode ridiculously full of filler we see about 78% of the auditions before the opening credits. Cat is wearing the exact same dress I wore as a bridesmaid a few years ago, only she’s gussied it up with a studded leather belt and sparkly huge shoes.
Tonight our guest judge is Mia! Oh goody, I hope she tells more people off. She does those weird crab claw hands again as she’s being introduced. Is that her signature move now? Mary’s face has returned to that puffy mask like stage—boo! She’s so vocally expressive that it makes a lack of facial movement really disconcerting. Cat practically begs Mia to tell us that she’s grown to like Brandon; Mia obliges.
And on that note, we shall see Brandon and Jeanette perform first. They have drawn a Jean Marc et France cha cha cha. This week, contestants share their feelings regarding their big long journey of…three weeks. I’ll take this time to get on my knees and pray to Jesus that we don’t have to endure a two hour episode next week, because what is left to share? Dancers detailing the bunions forming on their feet? Sometimes less is more, producers. Now, I would LOVE to see lots of Jean Marc and France blather, because they are so, so charming. Sadly, all we get is footage of Brandon and Jeannette falling. On one hand, seeing them struggle during rehearsal makes me appreciate a great performance. On the other hand, it’s kind of boring. They dance, and it is amazing! They are my favorite couple. Jeanette is so fiery and energetic, and hits everything. Brandon looks like he’s been doing this his whole life. I swear, every time I see them dance I just want to get up and shake a booty, too. Nigel calls it the best damn cha cha we’ve ever had on the show. Mary tells us exactly why it was so good from a technical standpoint, then stands up and screams that they have two first class tickets on the hot tamale train. Whoot! Mia tells Brandon that she’s tough on the students that have the most potential, and that she won’t be satisfied until she feels he’s living up to his potential. The crowd goes wild over her comments, and Jean Marc stands up cheering, and Brandon cries. Even Cat looks teary eyed. I would also cry, but I am way too mystified by the Russian fur hat with earflaps the 13 year old looking kid behind Jean Marc is wearing. What the heck is that? And he also has a lip ring. Good lord, please don’t tell me this is the latest craze. (A note: I watched this episode with my in-laws, and even my father in law was somewhat horrified by this fashion faux pas. It was that bad.)
Kayla and Kupono tell us of the devastation wrought by losing the partners that they danced with for two weeks. They are doing a Sonya routine about vampires. I’m sure this will be a huge hit with the Twilight fans crowd. The dance is performed very well. I think sometimes style can upstage the dancing (as with the crash test dummy dance), but I think they really let their talent shine in this piece. Nigel tells Kupono he was a new man. Mary raves about Kayla’s legs. We see several shots of an ecstatic Sonya, and we can see that fur cap boy now wears his hat at a jaunty angle. It is truly atrocious. Mia tells them they are gorgeous, the costume and makeup are brilliant, that it’s Sonya’s best piece on the show. Sonya looks very grateful for the praise, and fur cap applauds approvingly behind her. Mia tells Kayla that she’s wonderful and compliments Kupono’s ability to take a note, and his calm power. She thought the whole thing was amazing.
Randi and Evan recap their time together, with a focus on the “but” jokes. Y’all, it’s time to move on from that. They’ve been paired Joey Dowling, who is a Broadway choreographer. Joey is very tall and very pretty, and she will chew you up and spit you out if you suck! Rehearsal footage shows her being super tough and later telling us that she’s going easy on the dancers. I would not want to get on the bad side of Joey Dowling! They dance to a song from Sweet Charity, and Evan does this crazy slow motion cartwheel over a table, and sometimes I can’t get over how strong these people are. Nigel tells us this was quite the homage to Bob Fosse (I love the general dance education on this show), and praises Joey. Nigel loved Randi, wanted more from Evan, but tells them they are both in his top ten. Nigel is not shy about playing favorites! Mary reminds us that the dancers only get five and a half hours to learn the choreography. Which—wow, that’s not a lot of time. Mia found the choreography “Buh-rillant” (her phrase du jour), but found Randi’s movement a little “heavy” (just what every girl wants to hear, no?), and expected more from Evan. They just get a “good job”.
Caitlyn and Jason are dancing a Brian Freeman dance. Caitlyn is an alien who has destroyed the earth, and is trying to find the last surviving male to impregnate. Brian notes that Caitlyn is having trouble picking up the details of the choreography, and Caitlyn says it’s all a little weird and she hopes they don’t scare off voters. They perform, and…Jesus, Mary and Joseph. What the hell is she wearing? It’s like wardrobe went dumpster diving behind a theatre where Cats is performing, retrieved a torn black unitard, repaired it with duct tape, and added huge tin foil dog collar spikes on the head for good measure. I will bet good money that furrier cap boy is responsible for this hot mess. They dance, and they perform well, but you know—I absolutely hate this dance. I just did not enjoy it at all. Nigel tells us he thinks Brian Freidman is from another planet and it’s very weird, but commends the dancers for committing themselves 100% to the weirdness. Nigel calls Caitlyn a “dancing condom”, and Cat reminds them “safety first”. Mary said it didn’t “sit right” with her. Amen! Mia thinks it was fun and enjoyable. I think this is as close as the judges have ever come to saying “that dance sucked, choreographer”.
Philip and Jeanine are next. We see a lot more of Philip’s busted pants from last week again. They have pulled a Tabitha and Napoleon piece for this week. Again with the NappyTabs for them--lucky! This dance involves them being chained to each other, and it’s supposed to represent the contestants experience on the show. Holy crap, dancing while chained to another person looks really hard. The piece is really interesting! Nigel loves it. Mary thought it was very creative and commends their great dancing. Mia felt like the “chainography” was distracting.
Up next are Melissa and Ade, who have magically drawn the pas de deux out of the hat. Okay—I shall now call BS on this whole random, draw out of the hat concept. I’ve had my doubts for several seasons. When Kaytee and Joshua got the first Bollywood dance last year, I thought to myself “no way is that random; they wanted the best pair to dance that routine.” Maybe this was a special exception to the hat draw, but then that’s crap. Anyway, I won’t complain too much, because I am THRILLED to have real ballet on the show. They are dancing a pas de deux from Romeo and Juliet—apparently it’s been Melissa’s dream to be Juliet, so that’s nice. They perform, and it is so, lovely. Ade holds his own, but Melissa is breathtaking. Nigel pats himself on the back for now incorporating classical dance and the diversity of styles performed on the show. Mary praises the beautiful performance, and Mia says she’s so excited that classical ballet is on the show now, and that it was danced so well. She also loves that it’s a black and white Romeo and Juliet, and honestly, I didn’t even notice that. Sometimes I’m clueless.
Karla and Vitolio have drawn the “kiss of death” the quickstep. Mmm hmmm. The judges totally want them to go home, and now this? TOTALLY not random! At least Jean Marc is involved! We get to see Jean Marc’s analogies, which Vitolio finds helpful, and I find adorable. They dance to Rufus Wainwright, which makes me happy. I found their performance charming. I know nothing about the quickstep, but it seems like they are dancing it well, their footwork looks really good. Nigel loves the choreography and thought they danced well. Mary tells us it was well done, and whoos their scatter sashays. I want to scatter sashay through life!
Predictions are moot at this point, and I missed the results show, so I can’t recap that. I read that Karla and Vitolio went home—sad, but not surprising. Until tomorrow, y’all!
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